I Am a Cheese Omelette and Other Odd Stories
by Predatory Fuzzball
Summary: All my challange stories. They're all pretty wacked, but they're funny, so just read, laugh, and drop a review off! PG for like, one swear so far
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own no one in here *sobs*  
AN: No, Patricia isn't in this one (for once)  
  
REQUIREMENTS:  
~Remus/Minerva pairing (what else? This can be a major OR minor part of the  
fic...your choice)  
~Someone must say "Je la omele duh framonis", which means "I'm a cheese  
omelette."  
~One of the more sinister members of HP land must be a cross-dresser (Snape,  
Malfoy, Voldemort, etc...)  
~Someone must fall in love with the Mirror of Erised.  
~It must literally rain cats and dogs  
~Someone must fall in love with a toaster  
~The whole thing must take place in Voldemorts "Top Secret Lair".  
  
  
Minerva McGonagall woke up one morning and stared dreamily into the eyes of Remus Lupin. He lovingly kissed her good morning when they suddenly appeared (fully dressed) in a room. A room which also contained Severus Snape, Ron Weasely, and Filch's cat, Mrs. Norris.   
  
"No!" Ron screamed out. "I can't take another MST!"  
  
"Relax," Remus said. "It can't be an MST."  
  
"How do you know?" Ron asked wildly.   
  
"Because," Remus said calmly. "The room's not white. It's... it's.... wallpapered with pink and yellow flowers?"   
  
"Ooh, but there's a closet, Remus!" Minerva squealed excitedly. She got a wicked grin on her face and pulled him towards the closet (even though he was unresisting) when it happened. They heard the voice. The evil, sinister, deep, immoral, wicked, detrimental, inauspicious voice that was accompanied by an evil, sinister, deep, immoral, wicked, detrimental, inauspicious laugh which was cut short as the owner seemed to choke on a chicken bone. The voice cleared and spoke.  
  
"You have now entered Voldemort's-" Ron gasped and covered his ears with his hands "Top Secret Lair! Prepare to be tortured to no end! Snape, would you do the honors, please?"  
  
"Je la omele duh framonis." Snape replied calmly.  
  
"What?" The voice asked, confused.  
  
"Je la omele duh framonis!" He said again.  
  
"Um.... okay, so I guess you won't. Damn! My toaster!" And all of a sudden a shiny silver toaster appeared with a loud POP. Mrs. Norris went over to examine it, as all cats enjoy sniffing at new objects that appear out of thin air.   
  
"Okay, so I suppose I have to do this myself. And I was on vacation, too!" And with another loud POP, the Dark Lord himself was standing before the group. Ron screamed like a girl and hid his head inside his shirt. Snape took one look at his former boss and remembered the true reason he had left the Death Eaters. Voldemort was all decked out in a neon pink flowered nightie which just happened to be silk. It looked like something from the Victoria's Secret catalogue that Snape had confiscated from Potter the day before the day before yesterday (or, the other day). Thankfully, it wasn't the same as item #4 on page #23, since that item had lace in some... revealing places.   
  
"Do you like it, Severus?" Voldemort asked girlishly.  
  
"Love it!" He managed to get out between laughter. "Whatever happened to that evening gown you used to have? That always looked stellar on you."   
  
Now, if you haven't figured it out by now, I suppose I will have to take time out from my pulitzer-prize winning story to tell you why Snape really left the Death Eaters. It was because Voldemort was a cross-dresser, and insisted on showing his newest fashions to the Death Eaters who were in his inner circle. Severus just couldn't stomach seeing those hairy legs peeking out from under those revealing scraps of cloth that the man insisted were dresses. On a woman, it would have been an entirely different story. But on Voldemort, it was just WRONG. So he left, making up this huge cockamine story to tell Dumbledore about how he had had a change of heart about which side he was on. He had only joined Voldemort for the free pen they all got upon initiation. It was one of those really cool ones that light up when you write... and I'm completely off topic now. Back to the story!  
  
So here was Snape, laughing at Voldemort, who was modeling his neon pink flowered nightie, which was holding Ron mesmerised (somewhere in there he had taken his head out of his shirt), which was utterly confusing for Remus and Minerva because they had never seen Ron mesmerised by anything other than Hermione, whose sap session had been interrupted by the Dark Lord's arrival. So they went back to snogging (as restrained and loving as they are), and nearly stepped on Mrs. Norris, who had been all but forgotten by now because she was sitting by the toaster that had come out of thin air and was staring into it with that fascinated expression that only cats can achieve.  
  
Little did the humans know, the cat was carrying on a telepathic conversation with the toaster. This is a sampling of what was said:  
  
Mrs. Norris: "I love you."  
  
Toaster: "And I you."  
  
Mrs. Norris: "Will you stay with me forever?"  
  
Toaster: Forever and always, dearest."  
  
Mrs. Norris: "And you will love me forever and not electrocute me?"  
  
Toaster: "Never, dearest."  
  
I just can't continue. Poor Filch. Just suffice to say that they went on like that for about 15 minutes.  
  
So back to the humans. Voldemort was in the process of dancing to "I'm Too Sexy" when suddenly, for no particular reason other than it felt like it, the Mirror of Erised showed up in all it's dusty glory (after that rather unpleasent incident with Quirrell a few years back, it had been locked away, never to see the light of day again), looking for something, or maybe I should say, someONE. It saw Ron and miracle of all miracles, stopped right in front of him. Ron stopped being mesmerised by the neon pink flowered nightie and threw himself at the mirror yelling "I love you!" at the top of his voice, for reasons known only to himself. The author of this pulitzer-prize winning story doesn't even know why he did it. He just... insisted, so I had to let him. I apologize for any inconvienience this may have caused. Where was I? Ah, yes.  
  
So now that Ron was in love with the mirror, and Mrs. Norris was in love with the toaster, Remus and Minerva (who had stopped snogging long enough to discuss this disturbing turn of events) wondered what was going to happen next. They shouldn't have done that. They really shouldn't have done that. Remus looked up as a large object hit Voldemort on the head, sending him to the floor unconcious, and realized with a start that it was raining cats and dogs. Not just pouring down rain, like the Muggle term is usually used for, but literally raining cats and dogs. There were tabby cats, and ginger cats (that one looked like Crookshanks), and persian cats, and poodles, and weiner dogs, and beagles, and border collies, and the occasional Great Dane, and cocker spaniels (look! It's Lady and the Tramp!), and many many many many many many other types of cats and dogs. Raining. On them. The cats were hissing, and growling, and had their claws out, so that made it quite painful when they landed on them. The dogs were just drooling.   
  
Finally, Voldemort (who had miraculously woken up) got fed up and dissappeared with a loud POP, leaving Snape, Minerva, Remus, Ron, the Mirror, Mrs. Norris, and her toaster all looking at one another.   
  
"Well? Now what do we do?" Minerva asked.  
  
"Je la omele duh framonis." Snape said.   
  
"WHAT?!?" Minerva yelled. "What does that mean?"  
  
"Je la omele duh framonis. It means... uh, well, um... you see, it means, 'I am a cheese omelette'. I figured it would screw with Voldemort's mind enough that he would let us go. But, I suppose it didn't work," he sighed, dejectedly.  
  
"Well, it may not have worked, but-" Minerva was cut off as they all appeared suddenly on the Quidditch pitch in the middle of the latest Slytherin/Gryffindor game. Needless to say, Slytherin was winning, cause they're so deviously cunningly cool, and their Head of House is on hot stud muffin. Wait, I'm off subject again, aren't I? Anyway, when they appeared on the Quidditch pitch, Minerva and Remus started snogging again. Ignoring them, Snape held up his arms and yelled,  
  
"Je la omele duh framonis!!!" 


	2. The Evil of All Evils

The Evil of All Evils - A Challange  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Same as always.   
  
  
AN: I'm REALLY tired tonight, so this one is going to be weirder than usual. I'm scared by it, and I'm the one who wrote it. *is suddenly cut off by the sight of a firey thing in my room* "Behold the Metatron" Oops, gotta go. After that incident in New Jersey, a certain miracle occured. *grins* Lets just say he's not in the least like a Ken doll anymore... ("ahem. Are you coming or not?") Read and enjoy!  
  
  
  
Requirements:  
  
  
  
~ Remus / Minerva pairing  
~ Someone must sing "I'm a Barbie girl"  
~ Someone must be drunk... on Kool-Aid  
~ A professor (past or present) must say, "I should know the answer! I was a teacher in my past life! Wait a minute... I'm a teacher in this life too..."  
~ Flying purple cows must be presented during some time in the fic  
~ A LOVE TRIANGLE!   
~ Voldemort must be in it  
~ Snape must be in it  
~ Harry must be in it  
~ Sirius may NOT be in it  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Down in his dungeons, all alone, all by himself, with no one to keep him company, the delicious, atanomically capable, tall, dark, handsome, probably-not-too-bad-at-giving-back-massages, Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry sat in the general vicinity of his cauldron waiting for one-of-the-most-insane-authors-to-ever-write-the-name-'Severus Snape' to finish writing this ridiculously long, horribly drawn out and definately redundant, repetative run-on sentence, and at the same time, while he was waiting for her to finish, waiting for the liquid in the cauldron to be ready to store in a handly little cup with a hole in the lid for one of those cool twisty straws to fit in.  
  
*Skyfire takes a deep breath*  
  
When he realized that she was finally done, he spread his wings, and - oops, got my characters mixed up. My bad.   
  
So, while we were having those technical difficulties (also known as Rhonda getting two very different characters mixed up), the aforementioned Potions Master had ladled whatever mixture it was into the Cup With A Hole In The Lid, careful to not spill a single drop. I got a quick glimpse of whatever it was, and all I could tell was that it was green. Like green grass. And, incidentally, one of the two Slytherin House colors. Co-inkydink? I think not.   
  
Everyone's favorite professor was in a really bad mood, so I apologize in advance for any bad language or sexual innuendos from him. I'll try and censor it.  
  
Severus (Sev from now on) walked towards the door of his office type classrom thingy, totally ignoring the very real, very dangerous fire still blazing under his cauldron.  
  
*Narrator voice type person: What will happen? Will we find out who lit that fire? Was it... Professor Snape? Professor McGonagall? Harry Potter? Remus Lupin? That Karkaroff guy? Alastor Moody? Fawkes the - awk! What you throw the shoe at me for?  
  
Skyfire: This isn't South Park, and we're not interested in hearing who your mother / father is. Now go. you're ruining my story!*  
  
So anyway, he was walking towards the door when suddenly, appearing out of thin air, was everyone's favorite bad guy, Bob Barker. I mean, Lord Voldemort.   
  
*Oh ~gosh darn it~!* Sev thought to himself and all the readers. *I can't believe that my day could be so bad as to have that ~very mean man~ show up. What is with those ~funky~ symbols around those words that I did not say?*  
  
"Those, my dear Professor Snape, are showing that the words you *really* thought are being censored and automatically replaced," announced Harry Potter, bouncing into the room on a kangaroo.  
  
"Potter, you slimy brat, what the hell are you doing with a kangaroo?" Voldie asked, eyeing the Cut With A Hole In The Lid still in Snape's hands. "You can't get a kangaroo in England. And besides... I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world..."  
  
"Excuse me," Sev said irratably. He pushed past Bob - I mean, Voldie, and went into the corridor. He walked to his other office type classroom thingy and got a twisty straw from a shelf. He put the straw into the hole in the lid of the Cup With A Hole In The Lid and raised it to his mouth. He took a sip, sighed in satisfaction, and continued on down the corridor. He heard a stangled choke from behind him, rolled his eyes, and turned around to see Voldie running towards him in a yellow nightgown with pink flowers all over it.   
  
"Wait for me, Sevvie!" the supposedly feared Dark Lord howled. "I want to come with you!" Sev had to bite back a grin as his mind came up with several sexual suggestions with someone who *wasn't* Voldemort, but also wouldn't be thought of in case her so called boyfriend could read minds. Sev took another sip of the green liquid while he waited for Voldie to recover from tripping and falling flat on his face at Sev's feet. Voldie got up, brushed himself off, nodded at Sev, and Sev turned and continued on his way with Voldie following.  
  
They left Hogwarts and headed down to the lake. Sev nearly threw up when his eyes fell on Remus Lupin and Minerva McGonagall cuddling on the shore. He took another sip from the Straw In The Hole Of The Lid Of The Cup With A Hole In The Lid and walked down to join them. He was rather unsteady about it, but he did it. He sat down beside Minerva, and the couple both looked at Sev.  
  
"Whatcha doing?" Remus asked. Sev looked at him through increasingly fuzzy eyes and answered as best he could.   
  
"Sitting. I came out here for some warmth. Voldemort was with me, but he disappeared somewhere."  
  
Minerva smiled at Sev and leaned over to give him a kiss cause she loved him just like he loved her, but she also loved Remus, and she couldn't choose, so they were all trapped in the evil of all evils, a LOVE TRIANGLE!!!!!!  
  
*Skyfire runs away screaming*  
  
Then her eyes slid past him and widened in amazement. Sev turned to see what she was looking at and gasped in shock when he saw Voldemort and Harry riding a flying purple cow over the Quidditch pitch.   
  
"Holy shit!" He exclimed, totally bypassing my censoring. "What the hell is that?"  
  
"I should know the answer! I was a teacher in my past life! Wait a minute... I'm a teacher in this life too..." Remus said, trailing off...  
  
Sev looked into the Cup With A Hole In The Lid as the flying purple cow flew off into the distance with Harry and Bob - I mean, Voldie on it's back. "I think that next time I make this stuff I need to lay off the sugar," he said quietly. "I am so tanked... I thought I saw a flying purple cow."  
  
"What are you talking about Sev?" Minerva asked. Sev pointed aimlessly in the general direction of where the cow had been last seen and said,  
  
"There was a flying purple cow there..."  
  
"What's in that?" Minerva asked, concerned. Sev looked up at her with clouded eyes, and right before he passed out, he said,  
  
"Lime Kool - Aid" 


End file.
